Another anniversary will be here before I know it. Unless ones’ memory needs jogged for check writing, most people will see March 14th come and go without giving it a passing thought. For me, it is another reminder that something is missing. I still find myself shocked that Mom has been gone for four years. Given how many years she lived in our house, I still find it difficult to refer to her old room as the “orange” room since the paint job.
More than once I have raged that not much positive ever came out of our relationship. But, this past year I noticed a difference. The longer Mom has been gone, the easier it has become to let the anger go. I seem to have settled into a comfortable chair of peace and quiet. And, sometimes in that place, I discover deeply hidden and long suppressed memories I can only describe as little bits of joy. Words, touches and memories I had long ago forgotten, buried in harsh words and prolonged separations between two stubborn women. One of those memories even prompted me to get my first tattoo. My mother was not the “I love you” kind of person. But, when Mordecai came along, she revealed a side I somehow had forgotten. I believe God sent him to our family just for her and just when she needed him. She always changed in his presence, softened up I guess you’d say. Somehow, this year, I remembered that Mom always told him “I love you to the moon and back”. So, as a way of keeping her close…well, you get the picture.
Anyway, this March 14th Mordecai will be visiting from Texas. Maybe his presence will help me get through the day with a smile and fewer tears. And, getting more comfortable in my chair, I’ll allow myself to remember more pieces of laughter and joy. After all, you can’t be weighed down by long held bitterness if you plan to make it to the moon and back…!