Not the Mother I Deserved!

Another Mother’s Day is here and I still HATE the holiday. Trust me, it’s not because my family does not hold me in the highest regard, they do. I get the usual card, phone call and when they were smaller, the lovely gifts created at school. No, it has everything to do with my own mother. Please understand; I loved her more than she ever knew. But, I believed I did not get the mother I thought I deserved. Can you feel me? To my own children, I apologize if I am not the mother you thought you deserved, I am doing the best I can.

Now, I understand that no mother has it all figured out… not me and certainly not my own mother. As a matter of fact, she didn’t tell me that she loved me until right before she died four years ago. To say our relationship was complicated is an understatement. She was old-school. If you had a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back…you were loved.  You didn’t show the world your emotions…PERIOD. You most definitely did not show your wounds. I was taught to suck it up, keep your head down and keep everyone guessing.

With children of my own, now 34 and 32, I have a better grasp of the difficulties of the role being a mother requires. No one tells you how to navigate the occupation. In comparison, I’ve had it made in the shade. My husband is kind and caring. He is has always had a job and been an excellent provider. He is not an alcoholic. He has never laid a hand on me. 9596a4d5075a69bf523e873455e07545And, he is not a serial womanizer. How my mother maintained her sanity must have been her full-time job. No wonder mothering her children took a back seat. Learning to adapt changes a person, it hardens you. I know that now. I only wish I had known it sooner.

So, on this Mother’s Day, I vow to change my own ways. I am going to embrace the mother I had because she was indeed the mother I needed. Her toughness made me tough. Her perseverance through the beatings taught me that you can get back up again and again and again. I would not be the person I am today without the mother I got. So, thank you Mom… Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day – I miss you and I love you!

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